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I am just writing a short blurb to let everyone know that I am currently working on a blog entry with the working title "In Defense of Buffy The Vampire Slayer & Why Buffy Is indeed a Super Hero." (At this time I am mentally formulating this upcoming post for my blog.) The post will either be one long entry or it will be written in installments. In this blog I will put forth my reasons for why I believe that indeed Buffy IS a Superhero. This blog entry is going to be sort of a: "Nobody asked me but..."

I always enjoyed the show although I must admit that I have never seen the movie. However, from all that I've read concerning the movie and the subsequent television show and despite the fact that the show was originally established as a continuation of the movie; the two entities are very different. Not just in obvious ways such as an entirely new cast; but also in the tone of the show versus the movie. Where the movie was supposed to be just a comedy about a California blonde who just happens to have super powers the television show focused more heavily on the evolution of Buffy from a bimbo to a good,caring, strong and resilient woman who also kicks ass and saves the world... A lot!

I think that this is a good place to stop for now as I don't want to give away too much before I officially get into the blog. Hopefully that was enough to whet your appetite for a little bit of brain candy but perhaps I can make it more than that and give you an idea of just what I loved about this show and its characters.

Water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink.

Though this is a common and some would say constant theme of mine in this blog I have to admit that in the spring time my personal woes in regard to my (lack of) a real-life social network (as in a few close friends instead of "friends" on that other social network) really starts to get to me. I lament the fact that when the snow melts and the temperatures moderate and the days get longer I can think of a million and one ways in which I would like to get out and enjoy it but alas I haven't anyone with which to share these escapades. So, at a time when I have the money at my disposal and yes even the time I haven't the desire to go it alone. The more time that passes the less fun it becomes to keep ones own company all the live loong day. It is not that I haven't met people or that I don't know people who I suppose if circumstances were different would be good friends or even dear friends but for some reason or another these "relationships" never seem to advance to that level. I get breadcrumbs here and there but never are my expressions of friendship reciprocated. I literally don't know how to convert acquaintances into Real friends. I can honestly say that I had somewhat more success as a teenager though at the time I thought that I was of course tragically unpopular and definitely not cool enough for most people.

The real problem as I see it is the fact that I seem to lack that certain Je ne sais quoi which peaks their interest. I don't have a lot of the same interests in music or TV shows or movies et cetera (How do you like that; French and Latin in the same paragraph?) and therefore perhaps people cannot relate to me or I to them? I would accept this explanation if it didn't have one fatal flaw... and that is that often people "reject" me long before they've even taken the time to get to know me to discover a lack of common interests. So where's the love people?? Why the cold-shoulder? Why do I repel you so? Will I ever know the answers to these questions or will I continue to wander through life clueless and meeting person after person a conversation here and maybe a phone call there only to find that this person has suddenly fallen off the face of the earth? Will Santa Claus ever learn of this island of misfit toys where I've been banished and I will eventually know the feeling of true friendships? God I really hope so and soon!

Judge, the jury and executioner.

First off, I apologize to my loyal readers for the lack of new material here. It was not intentional and all that I have to say for myself is that I will try to do better in 2011. I will not condescend you with excuses or false promises of daily posts or try to promise more than I know that I can reasonably make good on. I will simply do the best that I cannot to let my insecurities and my lack of motivation to impede my desire to blog. There, do you forgive me? Will you continue to read this that I put forth with so much passion and thought? I certainly hope so as I look forward to the comments, the feedback and the threads of offshoot discussions my posts have sometimes inspired. For, if I can inspire just one person to think about my words then I shall feel good that I am spreading my ideas around the net.

I hope that you, my loyal readers (even those who may read but decline to comment) have not judged me too harshly for a paucity of posts (I do like my alliterations at times) and will give me your undivided attention when you see that I have posted something new!

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Let me get down to business!

Later that night I got to thinking about judgment.. All right, all right, I am NOT Carrie Bradshaw I know this but I can dream! However, that show has proven (much more than I ever imagined it to be) infinitely quote able. The sheer amount of insight and yes dare I say it wisdom that can be found in that half an hour show that is basically wrapped in a whipped cream package is startling! I guess it's because like many shows, there is more to it than meets the eye. You will discover this when I blog about Buffy The Vampire Slayer without reservation or fear of yes judgment from those who cannot appreciate it. Buffy is to this day my favorite show and it has even reached Star Trek level fandom. Buffy is quickly becoming classic and has truly stood alone in the Super Hero Lexicon as perhaps the best of female super hero role models. But, that is another blog for another day.

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Judgment we all do it: I don't like Chinese food! I don't eat onions! I hate that show! I can't stand Bare Naked Ladies! Why is she wearing that? The movie: "On The Waterfront" was the best nap that I've ever had! * (Yes that was me! She said sheepishly.) A modicum of judgment is probably healthy. We have to know ourselves well enough to know what is right. In order to make the right decisions in life we must discern the good from the bad or what is "for us". But what is the yardstick that we use to make less crucial decisions? How do we know when we are being too judgmental? When is it okay to let go of these judgments and experience something outside of our "comfort zones"?

I suppose that the answer to this question is related to our pain threshold. If something like Chinese food we find to be completely intolerable than it is unlikely that we'll ever change our minds. But, could it not be good to once in a while to eat the Chinese food despite our misgivings for the sake of a sanity check to ensure that we've made the correct judgment about it or if maybe it was just a bad batch that influenced this decision?

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I am judgmental I know this. I own it if you will. I accept that there are some areas of life where I am unwavering and unwilling to change my mind. I am not going to "experiment" with illegal substances. No way, now how, never! I made up my mind a long time ago that this was just not for me. I am thirty years old now (gasp!) and I am done debating it end of discussion.

But, what I will discuss is why the word "judgmental" became such a dirty word even outscoring the "C' word in certain circles. In my estimation the word judgmental is merely a kind of social Kryptonite wherein the person who's labeled as such has their credibility challenged and their argument ostensibly thrown out of court. No longer is anything they say valid nor does it have any merit. This judgmental person is just ignorant, unintelligent and a snob or a prude. But, as Carrie Bradshaw (or Sarah Jessica Parker as Carrie Bradshaw) once uttered: "Are we too quick to judge judgement?" I know that I am not the only person who feels this way and in fact I must agree that at times the word judgmental is simply used to excuse any kind of behavior by removing the question of right and wrong. I simply cannot subscribe to this kind of "anything goes mentality". If that makes me a judgmental person then so be it. (I'm really trying to get away from the cliches here but it is difficult with the weird sleep that I've been having lately. So please don't judge me too harshly for the gratuitous use of cliches in this most recent blog. I will do better next time!)

From this discussion of judgment I could launch into an entirely different (but not entirely unrelated) topic of how nobody seems to be able to truly apologize for their behavior and mistakes anymore. It is always: "I'm sorry if what I did offended you or hurt you or caused you undue stress or pain but not:"I'm sorry that I was a completely thoughtless asshole and jerk etc and had no regard for your feelings or that i totally invaded your dance space..." because that form of apology would imply responsibility and that's right that the person was WRONG. Not that! The: "I'm sorry if what I did offended anyone because that was not my intention..." thing takes the offender off the hook and what they are really saying is: "I'm sorry that what I said/did pissed you off but you're the one with the problem not me! So, in reality I am not sorry I just wish that you hadn't busted me on it."

This lame not-an-apology is typically reserved for the celebrity types who feel compelled to apologize for their "mistakes" in order to save their careers and face. However, I fear that these obligatory non apologies will find their way into the nation's youth who don't need another example of how what not to do.

Letting go of our judgments is maybe the most difficult thing to do. We hold steadfastly to these opinions, mindsets, stances for good reason; they are what we use to determine our lives. But, perhaps it behooves us just a little bit to find those alterations befitting what we can reasonably bend in order to let go and have some fun. I found that letting someone invade your dance space just a little can break the ice (especially when you need an ice-breaker) and can make a night or an experience all worth it. I still need work in this area but every little bit helps. How's that for positivity?

"Did the Devil make them do it?"

The Mont Vernon, NH home invasion and murder trial culminated yesterday in a guilty verdict and a life sentence for the ring leader Steven Spader. This crime was committed by four men who were lead by Spader, a then almost 18 year old with seemingly no conscience or even the slightest trace of a soul. This unimaginable crime shocked, saddened, angered and completely confounded an entire state. As more and more frightening and disturbing details about the crime came to light it became apparent that there were as Judge Anderson stated during sentencing: "No mitigating factors." This crime was not a crime of passion nor the result of alcohol or drugs but more frighteningly the result of pure, unadulterated human malice. The randomness, the "depravity" and the sheer evil with which this mother and daughter were attacked leaves one possibly unanswerable question...WHY?? No, I am wrong, the "why" seemed to have been established: Simply put it was a thrill killing. So then, I am left only to ask HOW??? How does someone of barely eighteen become so evil?? What possesses or drives a person to such madness? I haven't enough question marks to express how incredulous I am about how someone who's barely lived would want to kill and go on to do so without remorse.

Regrettably this is not the first time that I have found myself asking this question. After the Columbine High School shootings I wondered how it could happen that a person could be driven to hate so much as to plot the deaths of their classmates and then carry out the plot again seemingly without remorse? However, even in that case the argument could be made that there were indeed mitigating factors which contributed to Klebold's and Harris's desire to commit murder at their school. Aside from the speculations about media influences, there were the more logical theories about bullying and that perhaps these two outcasts had been tortured to such an extent by their peers that they felt that their only recourse was to take matters into their own hands? Though not justifiable, there is at least a half way logical explanation there for how an already unstable person could be driven to the brink and then pushed over by the wrong set of circumstances.

In the case of the Cates family there are no such circumstances as they were the random victims of Spader's malicious gang. Therefore, I am left shaking my head, scratching for some semblance of sense that I could attempt to make out of this completely senseless crime. It is always a shock to hear of a vicious crime that was committed by children or young adults because the thought seems to be that a child or teenager hasn't had time to become bitter or jaded. They haven't been exposed to the evils of the world and therefore they lack the motivation to commit evil themselves. But clearly, there are exemptions to this rule. Some children or young adults need little encouragement to be evil. It is sad fact of life that there are some who are capable of the unthinkable with or without the experiences one could blame for driving a person over the edge. What else could we blame for the horrible things that some people have done? Is there something wrong with the idea that we are shocked and horrified when such a crime is committed by a child but if it is adult who is the perpetrator we somehow accept it as a natural result of society's failings? Obviously we cannot accept these terrible crimes not matter who is responsible but when the assailant is a teenager, it is only then that we search for answers. I am guilty of this same selective outrage as I am writing this post I am completely without answers as to what drove Spader to kill and to kill without remorse? But, ultimately I cannot blame his childhood or the fact that he was adopted I cannot blame Twinkies or High Fructose Corn Syrup. I cannot look to the TV the radio or Marilyn Manson. I cannot place undue blame on the video game: "Grand Theft Auto" ( No matter how much I would like to...) I cannot put the responsibility on the NRA (they didn't use guns) I didn't hear a mention of any modern learning disabilities such as ADHD but if I did I could not hold Spader's teachers accountable either. No, in this crime there is no one to blame but Spader and his accomplices for the evil and depravity that they visited upon their victims. But, in the absence of any real answers we are left to try and rationalize the irrational. We blame their parents their upbringing the media their diets and their lack of religious teachings. In this desperate search for an explanation what gets lost is the the fact that all of these possible explanations removes responsibility for the crime from the perpetrator. I am just as guilty of inadvertently misplacing blame while trying understand what cannot be understood. But it is important to remember what is to be gained from a deeper knowledge of the criminal mind: Prevention. The ultimate goal of any criminologist is to try to get inside the criminal mind and hopefully repair it before they do any more harm. I do not believe that there is anything to be gained by removing blame or excusing behaviors because of a misguided desire to learn what makes a criminal tick. Still with that being said because in the case of the Mont Vernon murders I lack any real knowledge of the evils at work I feel that all that I can do is ask: Did the devil make them do it???

Coming soon to a blogger near you!

I apologize that I have not posted recently, but that is not for a lack of material. However, the mood just hasn't struck me. Or, if the mood has struck me, I've not been near my computer where I could get it down. So, I will attempt to rectify that very, very soon. I am currently adjusting to a new schedule and some other life events which have occurred and one in particular of an indeterminate nature. Also, the subject for which I would like to address is a bit dicey in terms of how it may be received by some of my readers. Which reminds me, I would like to give a big shout out to the new "Followers" of my blog DeanO and The Phoenix Rising. I hope that you like what you have read! Don't be shy about leaving comments, I am always interested to read what my readers think about what I have written. That's all folks, well for today anyway. Take care and I will be back real soon! In the mean time I would just like to wish everyone a safe, happy and spooky Halloween!"

Critical Condition (A Working Title)

"Why is it that we only seem to believe the negative things people say about us? No matter how much evidence there is to the contrary a neighbor, a face, an ex boyfriend can cancel out everything we thought was once true. Odd, but when it comes to life and love, why do we believe our worst reviews?"-From The Episode of Sex And The City Entitled "Critical Condition"

This is a very good question that Ms. Bradshaw (or the writers of the show) have raised, there is just one problem... and that is that the criticisms that I am about to address in this blog are actually coming from me and they are about me. Sigh...

As I briefly hinted at on Facebook recently, I have suddenly begun to notice myself having body issues. Mind you, I am keenly aware of how blessed I am for the fact that I have always been more or less satisfied with the way that I look. This is not coming from an egotistical place it is simply the truth. I have little to complain about when it comes to my physical appearance. I am not a shallow person and I don't obsess about my looks. For me, makeup is optional and I only wear it when I am in the mood to experiment. I don't mean to shatter any illusions you may have about me but I must admit to that fact that I am rather lazy about shaving my legs especially if I know that my legs are not going to be exposed. So, why is it that no matter how confident we may think we are about our looks we all fall victim to the same insecurities when it comes to our looks?

Inevitably, there comes a time when age creeps in and though I lack the requisite wrinkles, gray hairs and varicose veins that normally accompany maturity, that does not mean that I haven't notice or experienced some of the more subtle physical signs. Here is the part where I divulge perhaps more than you wanted to know but if I am going to talk about it let's talk about it! I have looked in the mirror after a shower or before and wondered about the state of my chest. Is it traveling south without me? Will it soon resemble the chest of a thirty-something or is this fear of a sagging chest more in my head than in my mammaries? After that very blunt yet rhetorical question I suppose that I have no business reprimanding anyone for "TMI" in his or her blogs ever again, right? Anyway... I have to say that this sort of thing is universal I'm sure, but I guess I just didn't expect to find myself pondering these questions at this point in my life.

The unfortunate side effect of aging is that your age eventually catches up with you not matter how young you feel either emotionally or physically. On the days when we are more tired or worn out it is much more difficult to focus on the positives and not fall victim to the creeping internal criticisms. Sigh... I should harder to pay attention to what I have going for me but that is a goal that we all have but so few of us ever really achieve. I should try and figure out why my already poor circulation seems to have gotten worse. This is not just simply annoying but it is also worry some. I should be trying to figure out how get out and about and mingle with the those other than the AARP set. But, for some reason instead of adapting a more positive attitude about the stuff that I have I instead go in search for the next physical flaw because I am female and apparently it is genetic.

I will quote SATC again because again, I love this quote! "Women pic it's in our DNA." Is that too sexist?

I could care less...

It's true, I could, but that would take effort. Says one of the charter members of the apathy club in high school. Oh if I only still had the T Shirt...sigh.

Well, anyway, after spending a lousy Sunday in personal turmoil and trying not to get too deep into my melancholy I find myself just feeling well blah. And yet for some reason I feel that I have the energy and the motivation to share this all with you folks. I am a complicated sort I suppose.

The thing is that blah or not I am also feeling irked about something. However, I am still not sure just how much of it I want to bring forth since it could be potentially hurtful to some and it could also make others think I am a little odd. But here goes nothing...

The continuous enigma that is people.

Perhaps, I am more than just a little fucked in the head when it comes to the social scene and trusting people blah, blah, blah but I swear I just don't understand people. I will quote Jim Morrison: "People are stranger when you're a stranger." And that is exactly how I feel for the most part; like a stranger. I can't seem to crack the "friend" code and break through to even a coffee date or just some "girl" or "boy" talk once I've established first contact. I know that this is a regular theme for my blog but it is because it is the most significant and relevant topic in my life right now. Are most people just that phony and polite as to placate me with a "We should hang out sometime!" but then cop out of the actual follow through? Despite the fact that it can sometimes be like pulling teeth I know of only one person in my life that I can actually count on to follow up on a plan and make it happen. For that I give him major props but even that at times has felt like we were planning the invasion of Normandy when it comes time to pin him down to an actual date and time. But still, I would take that kind of wrangling over the nothing that I get time and time again from others who don't know how to keep their mouths shut instead of offering the "Ya'll come back and see us sometime! Ya, hear?" that really doesn't mean squat for actually making any serious plans to get together. I just wish I knew what was so repulsive about me that drive them away and why people feel the need to be polite and phony instead of honest?