"Did the Devil make them do it?"

The Mont Vernon, NH home invasion and murder trial culminated yesterday in a guilty verdict and a life sentence for the ring leader Steven Spader. This crime was committed by four men who were lead by Spader, a then almost 18 year old with seemingly no conscience or even the slightest trace of a soul. This unimaginable crime shocked, saddened, angered and completely confounded an entire state. As more and more frightening and disturbing details about the crime came to light it became apparent that there were as Judge Anderson stated during sentencing: "No mitigating factors." This crime was not a crime of passion nor the result of alcohol or drugs but more frighteningly the result of pure, unadulterated human malice. The randomness, the "depravity" and the sheer evil with which this mother and daughter were attacked leaves one possibly unanswerable question...WHY?? No, I am wrong, the "why" seemed to have been established: Simply put it was a thrill killing. So then, I am left only to ask HOW??? How does someone of barely eighteen become so evil?? What possesses or drives a person to such madness? I haven't enough question marks to express how incredulous I am about how someone who's barely lived would want to kill and go on to do so without remorse.

Regrettably this is not the first time that I have found myself asking this question. After the Columbine High School shootings I wondered how it could happen that a person could be driven to hate so much as to plot the deaths of their classmates and then carry out the plot again seemingly without remorse? However, even in that case the argument could be made that there were indeed mitigating factors which contributed to Klebold's and Harris's desire to commit murder at their school. Aside from the speculations about media influences, there were the more logical theories about bullying and that perhaps these two outcasts had been tortured to such an extent by their peers that they felt that their only recourse was to take matters into their own hands? Though not justifiable, there is at least a half way logical explanation there for how an already unstable person could be driven to the brink and then pushed over by the wrong set of circumstances.

In the case of the Cates family there are no such circumstances as they were the random victims of Spader's malicious gang. Therefore, I am left shaking my head, scratching for some semblance of sense that I could attempt to make out of this completely senseless crime. It is always a shock to hear of a vicious crime that was committed by children or young adults because the thought seems to be that a child or teenager hasn't had time to become bitter or jaded. They haven't been exposed to the evils of the world and therefore they lack the motivation to commit evil themselves. But clearly, there are exemptions to this rule. Some children or young adults need little encouragement to be evil. It is sad fact of life that there are some who are capable of the unthinkable with or without the experiences one could blame for driving a person over the edge. What else could we blame for the horrible things that some people have done? Is there something wrong with the idea that we are shocked and horrified when such a crime is committed by a child but if it is adult who is the perpetrator we somehow accept it as a natural result of society's failings? Obviously we cannot accept these terrible crimes not matter who is responsible but when the assailant is a teenager, it is only then that we search for answers. I am guilty of this same selective outrage as I am writing this post I am completely without answers as to what drove Spader to kill and to kill without remorse? But, ultimately I cannot blame his childhood or the fact that he was adopted I cannot blame Twinkies or High Fructose Corn Syrup. I cannot look to the TV the radio or Marilyn Manson. I cannot place undue blame on the video game: "Grand Theft Auto" ( No matter how much I would like to...) I cannot put the responsibility on the NRA (they didn't use guns) I didn't hear a mention of any modern learning disabilities such as ADHD but if I did I could not hold Spader's teachers accountable either. No, in this crime there is no one to blame but Spader and his accomplices for the evil and depravity that they visited upon their victims. But, in the absence of any real answers we are left to try and rationalize the irrational. We blame their parents their upbringing the media their diets and their lack of religious teachings. In this desperate search for an explanation what gets lost is the the fact that all of these possible explanations removes responsibility for the crime from the perpetrator. I am just as guilty of inadvertently misplacing blame while trying understand what cannot be understood. But it is important to remember what is to be gained from a deeper knowledge of the criminal mind: Prevention. The ultimate goal of any criminologist is to try to get inside the criminal mind and hopefully repair it before they do any more harm. I do not believe that there is anything to be gained by removing blame or excusing behaviors because of a misguided desire to learn what makes a criminal tick. Still with that being said because in the case of the Mont Vernon murders I lack any real knowledge of the evils at work I feel that all that I can do is ask: Did the devil make them do it???

Coming soon to a blogger near you!

I apologize that I have not posted recently, but that is not for a lack of material. However, the mood just hasn't struck me. Or, if the mood has struck me, I've not been near my computer where I could get it down. So, I will attempt to rectify that very, very soon. I am currently adjusting to a new schedule and some other life events which have occurred and one in particular of an indeterminate nature. Also, the subject for which I would like to address is a bit dicey in terms of how it may be received by some of my readers. Which reminds me, I would like to give a big shout out to the new "Followers" of my blog DeanO and The Phoenix Rising. I hope that you like what you have read! Don't be shy about leaving comments, I am always interested to read what my readers think about what I have written. That's all folks, well for today anyway. Take care and I will be back real soon! In the mean time I would just like to wish everyone a safe, happy and spooky Halloween!"

Critical Condition (A Working Title)

"Why is it that we only seem to believe the negative things people say about us? No matter how much evidence there is to the contrary a neighbor, a face, an ex boyfriend can cancel out everything we thought was once true. Odd, but when it comes to life and love, why do we believe our worst reviews?"-From The Episode of Sex And The City Entitled "Critical Condition"

This is a very good question that Ms. Bradshaw (or the writers of the show) have raised, there is just one problem... and that is that the criticisms that I am about to address in this blog are actually coming from me and they are about me. Sigh...

As I briefly hinted at on Facebook recently, I have suddenly begun to notice myself having body issues. Mind you, I am keenly aware of how blessed I am for the fact that I have always been more or less satisfied with the way that I look. This is not coming from an egotistical place it is simply the truth. I have little to complain about when it comes to my physical appearance. I am not a shallow person and I don't obsess about my looks. For me, makeup is optional and I only wear it when I am in the mood to experiment. I don't mean to shatter any illusions you may have about me but I must admit to that fact that I am rather lazy about shaving my legs especially if I know that my legs are not going to be exposed. So, why is it that no matter how confident we may think we are about our looks we all fall victim to the same insecurities when it comes to our looks?

Inevitably, there comes a time when age creeps in and though I lack the requisite wrinkles, gray hairs and varicose veins that normally accompany maturity, that does not mean that I haven't notice or experienced some of the more subtle physical signs. Here is the part where I divulge perhaps more than you wanted to know but if I am going to talk about it let's talk about it! I have looked in the mirror after a shower or before and wondered about the state of my chest. Is it traveling south without me? Will it soon resemble the chest of a thirty-something or is this fear of a sagging chest more in my head than in my mammaries? After that very blunt yet rhetorical question I suppose that I have no business reprimanding anyone for "TMI" in his or her blogs ever again, right? Anyway... I have to say that this sort of thing is universal I'm sure, but I guess I just didn't expect to find myself pondering these questions at this point in my life.

The unfortunate side effect of aging is that your age eventually catches up with you not matter how young you feel either emotionally or physically. On the days when we are more tired or worn out it is much more difficult to focus on the positives and not fall victim to the creeping internal criticisms. Sigh... I should harder to pay attention to what I have going for me but that is a goal that we all have but so few of us ever really achieve. I should try and figure out why my already poor circulation seems to have gotten worse. This is not just simply annoying but it is also worry some. I should be trying to figure out how get out and about and mingle with the those other than the AARP set. But, for some reason instead of adapting a more positive attitude about the stuff that I have I instead go in search for the next physical flaw because I am female and apparently it is genetic.

I will quote SATC again because again, I love this quote! "Women pic it's in our DNA." Is that too sexist?

I could care less...

It's true, I could, but that would take effort. Says one of the charter members of the apathy club in high school. Oh if I only still had the T Shirt...sigh.

Well, anyway, after spending a lousy Sunday in personal turmoil and trying not to get too deep into my melancholy I find myself just feeling well blah. And yet for some reason I feel that I have the energy and the motivation to share this all with you folks. I am a complicated sort I suppose.

The thing is that blah or not I am also feeling irked about something. However, I am still not sure just how much of it I want to bring forth since it could be potentially hurtful to some and it could also make others think I am a little odd. But here goes nothing...

The continuous enigma that is people.

Perhaps, I am more than just a little fucked in the head when it comes to the social scene and trusting people blah, blah, blah but I swear I just don't understand people. I will quote Jim Morrison: "People are stranger when you're a stranger." And that is exactly how I feel for the most part; like a stranger. I can't seem to crack the "friend" code and break through to even a coffee date or just some "girl" or "boy" talk once I've established first contact. I know that this is a regular theme for my blog but it is because it is the most significant and relevant topic in my life right now. Are most people just that phony and polite as to placate me with a "We should hang out sometime!" but then cop out of the actual follow through? Despite the fact that it can sometimes be like pulling teeth I know of only one person in my life that I can actually count on to follow up on a plan and make it happen. For that I give him major props but even that at times has felt like we were planning the invasion of Normandy when it comes time to pin him down to an actual date and time. But still, I would take that kind of wrangling over the nothing that I get time and time again from others who don't know how to keep their mouths shut instead of offering the "Ya'll come back and see us sometime! Ya, hear?" that really doesn't mean squat for actually making any serious plans to get together. I just wish I knew what was so repulsive about me that drive them away and why people feel the need to be polite and phony instead of honest?

5 Pet Peeves

Alright, I haven't done this in a while but I am in the mood to vent so here I go!

1. I hate it how people criticize me for chewing my cereal too loud because I eat it dry, when they have the nerve to slurp their cereal because they put a gallon of milk in the bowl. How is their slurping less rude than my loud chewing?

1A.I hate it when people slurp the ice cream off of the cone on a really hot day. I know, I know, this is America and if people want to eat their ice cream on a cone even though it is going to melt all over them before they even get a chance to have one bite, I guess that is their right but do they not think that there might be a better way to do things?

2. I hate it when people only sort of apologize for hurting your feelings.

3. I hate that I can't order more than a 1 month supply of a prescription even though it is not a "controlled" medicine and I am paying cash for the prescript and not going through an insurance company. I hope that rule will be fixed soon!

4. Talk about a petty complaint: I hate it when the homepage on Facebook scrolls on its own before you are done reading a friend's status; they really need to fix that!

5. I hate it when: I am talking to someone and then just when I think that the conversation is over as I am walking away they pipe-up again when I am already in the other room and I have to hurry back in order to hear what they are trying to tell me. If they see me walking away why do they keep talking to me? I swear this the real reason that cell phones were invented.

The Lost Tuesday

Outside and out of her mind!

You know that feeling when you return from a long trip where you feel like you have to kind of acclimate to your routine and your surroundings? That is what today is. The only thing is that I did not go on a trip. I was at home all day and still I feel a little bit like I need to get situated. The reason for that is a bit of a family crisis. My Grandmother had another one of her dementia episodes though she has never been formerly diagnosed as dementia. In reality it is really more like a series of strokes that she has that directly affect her mental state and overall physical self in a very dramatic way. She is so far off of her rocker that you would swear that her rocker was hauled off to the dump without her say-so and she has now gone in search of it. It starts out with a minor shift in her usual routine. She become much more talkative and awake than normal and she appears as though she is actually more aware of her surroundings than usual; but only relative to what we know and expect from her. My Grandmother is almost completely blind due to the ravages of Glaucoma. She has a minuscule amount of sight in her left eye but as far as we can tell she can only make out shapes and light and occasionally the number on a large print playing card. Grandma is also mostly deaf so as you can tell we are dealing with a 97 year old Helen Keller but in this case she was not deaf and blind from early childhood. The part of this that makes it all so hard is her stubborn will and the fact that she is heavily in denial about being blind. She began to lose the sight in her right eye in 2007 but Glaucoma is a progressive disease, which steals your sight over time. So by 2009 she had become completely blind and therefore she'd had time to adjust, in a way. In reality she drew further into denial and when she has one of these episodes it is very apparent that she is totally unaware that the people and things that she believes she is "seeing" are not real.

The first time that my Grandmother had and episode of confusion and hallucinations I turned to WebMD in hope of finding some answers. (Because if it is on the Internet it must be true, right?) I conducted a search on that website using the key terms: "Hallucinations and Vision Loss" and after weeding through the articles that only pertained to the first part of that phrase which dealt solely with drug use I found an article about a unique phenomenon called: "Charles Bonnet Syndrome". This article (as it said in the title) was "Damn Interesting" especially to anyone who has ever dealt with what my family has witnessed from my Grandmother. The syndrome, whose origins date back to the year 1760, refers to a scientist and his father's vivid hallucinations. Charles Bonnet had begun to lose his sight and in the first year to year and a half occasionally fell victim to his over active imagination. In essence, his failing eyes began to play tricks on him and he was plagued by the crazy visions he was having as a result. The disorder or syndrome is said to affect about 15% percent of those with significant vision loss but it could be even more common than that. The hallmark of this syndrome is that often times the hallucinations are so out of the ordinary that most who suffer from it know that what they are seeing is not real and are therefore not fooled by it. However, in the case of my Grandmother because she is so unreachable it is next to impossible to convince her that she is not really seeing what she thinks that she sees. Ad to that the fact that she is immensely proud it is likely that she would never want to admit what she is going through. So in her mind, "Of course she is seeing: "that man over there with the two little girls." Or she must be outside because why else is she seeing all of those houses and people milling about." We have yet to find a way to bridge the gap between where she is and reality. All that we can do is contain her, keep her safe and try to anticipate potential hazards before they occur.

Obviously, I cannot diagnose my Grandmother and decide that this is in fact the condition that she suffers from but I can say most of what I read in the article applies to her situation. But, I must also keep in mind that there can often be more than one answer to the same problem. However, in this instance the problem of my Grandmother's hallucinations is exacerbated by the fact that she cannot hear and therefore cannot be reached. We must repeat everything that we say and a lot gets lost in the translation; which only further complicates matters. The article mentions the idea that dreams play a major role in the visions. Because of a lack of visual stimuli from the eyes the brain must then create this stimuli and perhaps the same mechanism that creates our dreams while we are asleep works overtime when a newly blind person is awake as a way of providing that stimuli.

My theory is that when a sighted person wakes up from a dream (especially a particularly bad dream) there is that instant separation between our waking world and the dream world. Typically there is always something that is a little bit off in a dream and therefore we are instantly able to recognize it for what it is. However, with my Gram she was robbed of this ability when she lost her sight and so she and any other person who’s lost their sight may stay "stuck" in the dream world a little bit longer than normal. The mind is a fascinating device and I don't believe that we as allegedly sophisticated animals has even come close to scratching the surface of it endless capabilities.

But somewhere here in between the city walls of dyin' dreams I think her death it must be killin' me

I think I'll just get down to the nitty gritty here. This blog is about death and I must warn you that my intention is to get right down to it. I will address the most raw emotions and unadulterated truth as it pertains to what we all go through when someone we love passes on to the next world. I feel need to be direct and frank about my feelings and thoughts on the topic. This blog has probably been a very long time coming however I don't think that I had the guts to really go for it until recently.

Death is something that I have thinking about for the better part of a year now. A cousin of mine died at the end of July 2009 and attending her funeral really had a strong effect on me. To be honest, the funeral was not as difficult as the wake. Wakes are just plain awful! Not to mention the fact that her wake was held at the same funeral home where my father's wake was held 14 years prior and this brought up some of the same emotions that I experienced during that time.

The wake, the pre-funeral gathering where the body is displayed in an open coffin is a practice that I am still not sure that I really understand. Perhaps the wake is an antiquated ritual whose time has passed. I not really convinced that there is anything beneficial about displaying the lifeless body of the deceased for all of the mourners to see? So far, the only thing that I have gathered from attending wakes is that I don’t believe it having a wake. Doesn’t this tradition simply prolong the agony and grief instead of easing it? I will never, ever be comfortable around the body of the dead. I suppose that this is childish and definitely not politically correct to say but all that I have ever felt at a wake is scared, freaked out and just generally uncomfortable. It does not ease my pain to be in the presence of the physical likeness of the dead while I am trying to cope with their loss. Does that make me a terrible person?