"Why is it that we only seem to believe the negative things people say about us? No matter how much evidence there is to the contrary a neighbor, a face, an ex boyfriend can cancel out everything we thought was once true. Odd, but when it comes to life and love, why do we believe our worst reviews?"-From The Episode of Sex And The City Entitled "Critical Condition"
This is a very good question that Ms. Bradshaw (or the writers of the show) have raised, there is just one problem... and that is that the criticisms that I am about to address in this blog are actually coming from me and they are about me. Sigh...
As I briefly hinted at on Facebook recently, I have suddenly begun to notice myself having body issues. Mind you, I am keenly aware of how blessed I am for the fact that I have always been more or less satisfied with the way that I look. This is not coming from an egotistical place it is simply the truth. I have little to complain about when it comes to my physical appearance. I am not a shallow person and I don't obsess about my looks. For me, makeup is optional and I only wear it when I am in the mood to experiment. I don't mean to shatter any illusions you may have about me but I must admit to that fact that I am rather lazy about shaving my legs especially if I know that my legs are not going to be exposed. So, why is it that no matter how confident we may think we are about our looks we all fall victim to the same insecurities when it comes to our looks?
Inevitably, there comes a time when age creeps in and though I lack the requisite wrinkles, gray hairs and varicose veins that normally accompany maturity, that does not mean that I haven't notice or experienced some of the more subtle physical signs. Here is the part where I divulge perhaps more than you wanted to know but if I am going to talk about it let's talk about it! I have looked in the mirror after a shower or before and wondered about the state of my chest. Is it traveling south without me? Will it soon resemble the chest of a thirty-something or is this fear of a sagging chest more in my head than in my mammaries? After that very blunt yet rhetorical question I suppose that I have no business reprimanding anyone for "TMI" in his or her blogs ever again, right? Anyway... I have to say that this sort of thing is universal I'm sure, but I guess I just didn't expect to find myself pondering these questions at this point in my life.
The unfortunate side effect of aging is that your age eventually catches up with you not matter how young you feel either emotionally or physically. On the days when we are more tired or worn out it is much more difficult to focus on the positives and not fall victim to the creeping internal criticisms. Sigh... I should harder to pay attention to what I have going for me but that is a goal that we all have but so few of us ever really achieve. I should try and figure out why my already poor circulation seems to have gotten worse. This is not just simply annoying but it is also worry some. I should be trying to figure out how get out and about and mingle with the those other than the AARP set. But, for some reason instead of adapting a more positive attitude about the stuff that I have I instead go in search for the next physical flaw because I am female and apparently it is genetic.
I will quote SATC again because again, I love this quote! "Women pic it's in our DNA." Is that too sexist?
I apologize for the small print in the blog. I tried to change it several times but for some reason it didn't work for the entire document. I hope that the small font hasn't discouraged anyone from reading what I have written. As always, I look forward to your feedback! Thanks!
ReplyDeleteKate!!!! O Kate, I am so happy you wrote this post. So here is the thing, I almost wrote a post similar just a few months ago but to the odd flux in my male readership I was too scared that it was too much info... So here I will share with you... my friend, a story.
ReplyDeleteI have had two children, My breast don't ride as high as they use to, and the marks on my stomach from bearing children lay deep. My daughter is now six and my son three. It has taken me years to finally be comfortable with the scars from carrying children. As it sounds sort of odd, I have actually come to like the marks on my stomach. Sissy will lay in bed next to me and say momma show me "my side". I show her the small area of marks on the right side of my stomach. Sissy caused those as I carried her farther right. My son Aubs left marks on the right... to my children, these places remind them that we were once connected not just physically but emotionally/spiritually. They like to hear the story of when their lives first began.
As my children ask about how they were born I grew to love the changes in my body. Its history in a sense.
Lordy I really hope this isn't too much info...
And so the story goes...
I had to go get my annual physical a few weeks ago. My doctor who I have always like was amazed by all the weight I had dropped since my last visit. I was feeling fairly good until he mentioned that I should go in and get a "Mommy make over" that includes minor lipo, tummy tuck, and implants. He could set up an appointment with the surgeon if I like... I never mentioned being unsatisfied with my looks at all! I still don't know what made him feel like that was an appropriate thing to say. Anyways this suggestion was coming from someone I trusted enough to let see naked! I immediately felt inferior. I was devastated! I had never considered anything like that until someone I trusted suggested that I "needed" to.
After that, I didn't think about the surgery (cause I could never afford anything like that) but I did think about how awful I must have appeared for him to make a suggestion of that sort. I became sad and spiraled. I lost more weight and well... any woman who has lost weight knows that weight loss doesn't fix wrinkles or tighten the skin... So one day I decided that this is all I have and better learn to love it. I also thought long an hard about my trusted Dr... and ya know what, I concluded, that day wasn't about me and my flaws at all but about his. It was about him being a man that would be so rude, callous, insensitive, and self involved (he gets referral fees I'm sure).
See Kate, we have it coming from us at all angles. The media, friends, boyfriends, husbands, etc. Its important as a fellow woman to lift your sisters up... always. And thats through example. No matter what shape, what creases or how far south the boobs want to go, you should love your body. Your body is your history, something that should be loved and adored. And by the example... you are teaching your sisters to love themselves too.
I am all to guilty of being one to believe the negatives of myself verses the positive. I take much to heart.
I hope that you believe... I hope that you Hear me when I say that what I know of you is a wonderful person that I thoroughly enjoy chatting with. Your intellectual thoughts, opinions, stances kick off some pretty great conversations! You are in conversation, very secure. <- Hope that made sense. Don't let others negativity effect that.
I think you are just swell the way you are! ;)
Have a good day hun! :)
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ReplyDeleteI REALLY hope that wasnt too much info!!!! Sorry if it was, I just really felt like that everything made better sense if I wrote the whole damn story. Sorry. :)
ReplyDeleteLeigh, I am glad that you shared your story, it is a beautiful story! I am glad that you feel that way that you do about your body and the marks on your stomach from carrying your children. You are teaching BOTH of your children a very positive and healthy message about beauty and the human body! Good for you! I hope that your children will pass on these healthy attitudes to their children some day! I grew up in a very conservative family and it took a long time before I could talk comfortably about sex and the like with my mother. Additionally, many of my relatives are very critical and negative and that environment is not healthy for anyone! It sucks to grow up in a family where most of what the people around you are saying is so negative and critical all of the time! So, my tactic is to try and learn by example... but in this case I mean that I am learning by the BAD example that they've set and I've decided NOT to be like that and to try and look at the positives. However, I still find it to be much easier to do this for other people than it is to do it for myself.
ReplyDeleteThank you Leigh, for the feedback that is why I posted this blog! The thoughtful and constructive responses from my readers makes it all worth it!
ReplyDeleteKate,
ReplyDeleteMy BFF was raised in a similar family situation. I see how hard it was on her. You have the power to change your future (attitude).
I am very easily influenced. I can travel into the city and run into a jackass and then I turn into a jackass for the rest of the day. Surrounding yourself with positive people who make you feel good about yourself and your life will be the ticket. I know its easier said than done especially when family is such a big influence but limiting your time in a negative atmosphere will help. You are also a step ahead of the game, You are aware that there are negative influences in your life. When you must be in those types of environment have a pep talk with yourself before hand. It helps trust me.
My great Aunt was a real byatch. She would always say hateful things to me. If I gain weight she would flat out tell me I was fat. If I slouched she would tell me how bad I looked. If my hair wasn't fixed she would tell me I needed it cut. For years I would feel awful after being around her. Then I started making a game out of her ill words. I would check my phone and see how long it took her to insult me... or when she would rattle off something I would say "Aunt Anetta, I see you are as charming as ever"... for some reason, calling her out on the negativity in a classy way really made me feel better. After a while her cruelty waned. I think that she was so use to being negative towards people that she didn't even realize what she was doing until someone called her out on it.
I tend to believe that most people are kind hearted and they don't realize they are being negative or hurtful until it is brought to their attention. I know there have been times that I misspoke or unintentionally hurt someone. Once I became aware of my wrong doing, I apologized profusely and watched my words and attitude more carefully.
My biggest hurdle along the path to self love has been to remain conscious of how Im feeling, who or what has caused this, why, and how can I change how I feel . I guess to simply state it, I had to constantly be aware... and that takes work. If I can do it I KNOW you can! :)
I hope some of this helps you.